“Imagine this - Christmas morning, Archibald and Araminta have just woken to the smells of Marks and Spencers spiced triple baked gluten free minced pies and they exhault (very politely) about just how bloody good Christmas is. As they leap out of bed they rush to see just how spoilt they have been, with 'Minty' still adament that "If Mummy and Daddy haven't got me another pony then I'm reporting them to childline". As you put the free range Turkey into the Aga a horrifying shriek pierces the air of your 15th Century Surrey retreat (the one that you regularly brag about to your 'mates' at yoga). The noise is coming from the drawing room so you and Richard (you love him but hes just not quite lived up to your expectations monetarily and sexually) rush to the scene of the apparent crime. One voice has become two as Archie wails at the sight before him. A fake tree. In one fell swoop Christmas is ruined. The children vow that you are not their real parents and this reminds Richard of the truth behind that 'one' mistake that happened on your 10th year Uni leavers party. Yes Minty appeared 9 months later but hes still the 'real' father. As such 'Dickie' turns heavily to drink throughout the morning and the children are sobbing down the phone to either childline or the grandparents, you're just not sure. By midday you have accepted that Christmas is over. To add insult to injury The turkey was eaten by a combination of a ruthlessly drunk Richard and Percy your black lab and as such the inlaws have gone, like the inheritance, to Hugos. In short, your kids hate you, your husband has been reminded of you infidelity and the money has gone. But you awake and realize that you bought your real and bushy tree from the team at Pines and Needles, who have excellent trees and customer satisfaction, not to mention 10% off for armed forces. Disappointed only by Richards amorous activities the night before you awake for Christmas knowing its all in hand and it was all just a dream. But not the tree, that's alive, real and the best money can buy.”
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